The Complicated Reality of Being Transmasc on Grindr

by Santos J. Arce

originally published February 7, 2024

When I open hookup apps like Scruff or Grindr, I often feel like I’m walking to school in my neighborhood growing up. I lived in the areas of Brooklyn and Queens that artists like Notorious B.I.G. and Nas wrote about, during the time when their classics were first released. I wasn’t into hip-hop back then, though; I was a punk, and it felt like everyone on the street commented on my style of dress either because it was so different from the prevailing culture, or because they didn’t understand why such a cute young woman would choose to dress so butch. Looking back, I get that it came from a heritage of oppression and scarcity. Othering me was a backwards way of guarding community integrity. In any event, all the street chatter eventually just became irrelevant stuff I learned to tune out.

Years later, I’m tuning out different chatter, and facing a similar mix of misconceptions, othering, and protectiveness, from guys on the apps. This is not another piece about how terrible the apps are. We know they’re chaotic. I do have good experiences off the apps, and I’m gonna talk about them, but after 18 years of medical transition, and so many iterations of myself, it does bear stating why and how messages like “so ur a woman?” or “I wanna fuck some pussy” feel basic, irrelevant, and draining.

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*The Trans Guy Archive claims no ownership over this article. All rights go directly to Santos Arce and THEM magazine. This article is shared for the express purpose of visibility and ease of access.